As some of you know, my Twiniversity podcast came out last week. I talked about being a sober mother of twins (plus one) with Twiniversity founder Natalie Diaz. It was recorded in November, so I honestly couldn’t remember all the things that we talked about… however, listening to it made me want to clarify a few things.

In my conversation with Natalie, I was asked (in some form)  if I have any moments where I feel weak and want to drink again. I said “yes” and then *somewhat* told the story of purchasing alcohol – but the full story wasn’t there. I’d like to tell that story now.

While I’ve always had a hankering for a glass of wine before bed, I have rarely actually gone out and bought something to fulfill my desire to drink again. Despite how stressful pregnancy, motherhood, postpartum depression has been, I’ve mostly been able to keep my head on straight. Until one day, when I didn’t.

It was July 2019. E was 4 months old and the girls were 21 months. I had come off my 100^th conversation with my husband about my postpartum depression (PPD), which was caused by what I felt like was entrapment from my situation. I was a stay-at-home mother looking to go back to work to save my sanity. I had gotten a job interview in the field I wanted and it paid well. In addition, it was a part-time job, which would have allowed me to work and still stay home with my kids twice a week. A wonderful balance. It was perfect… except I didn’t have a great feeling about it during my interview. I left there knowing that I did well, but didn’t get a good vibe. At all. Who would want to leave their children at home with a sitter or at a daycare for a job I wasn’t passionate about? For a boss who didn’t seem like she would care about my personal life. With a 45 minutes commute. It just seemed like a crazy to accept the job and I really dismissed the idea of ever working there if I was offered the position.

A few days later, I was offered the job. While I had originally told everyone that I wasn’t going to take it, due what I described above, a spark inside of my lit again. I did a 180 and told my husband that I wanted to take it, just to get out of the house. I tasted freedom. I felt like myself again. Momma was going back to work!!

We started crunching numbers to put our three kids under two in daycare. We started to talk about all the drawbacks – I was nursing E. We didn’t want to leave them with strangers.. yada yada. Chris reminded me that I didn’t get a good vibe from the place (which I had completely forgotten about) and I realized it just wasn’t the right time. I called them back and turned down the job.

Afterwards, I resented Chris so much for being rational and not supporting me in my attempt to start working again. I couldn’t get it out of my brain that I would never find another opportunity like this one. I would stay home until the kids went to school and I was just going to have to accept that.. though I never saw myself as a stay-at-home mother, especially to three under two. At that moment, I honestly felt like I couldn’t handle one more day of staying home – especially with PPD. I had so much anger in my heart at this point, I went off the deep end.

It was a Saturday morning and as soon as my eyes opened, I decided I was going to drink. I couldn’t take feeling resentful, angry, stressed out, etc. anymore. I had a grocery pickup at 10am and figured I could stop by Walgreens across the street to pick up alcohol. When I got to Walgreens, I walked back and forth through the liquor isle to find something cheap and would get the job done. After about 10 minutes of walking around, I found coconut rum on an endcap for $10. As I walked with it in my hand, I felt electrified. I hadn’t touched it or even been around it in in almost two and a half years (at the time). I took it out to my van and tried to decide if I was going to open it up and drink it right there. No, I thought, I don’t want to be intoxicated in front of the kids. Even though my brain wasn’t working right at the time, I am thankful I at least saw the importance of keeping it away from my kids. But that night, when the kids go to bed, I was going to down it with some diet coke. I couldn’t wait for that moment – to be free of worry or concern. Since October 2016, I had been aware of every action, thought, feeling I had made and I was ready to be free again. I put the fifth under my seat in the family van and drove home with my groceries.

Halfway through the day, I decided to tell my husband that I had bought alcohol and was prepared to drink it that night. Rightly so, he lost it. He said some words that hurt (at the time) because he was so disappointed. At that moment, I was thankful I didn’t take a drink in the parking lot of the Walgreens… that I had been smart enough to tell someone what I had done before I did it. After about an hour of conversation, I agreed not to drink it.. though I didn’t agree to him pouring it out – which he did. I wasn’t happy about it but I am glad he did. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have made it to having three years alcohol free. I wouldn’t have likely stayed in my marriage. I wouldn’t have been the mom I wanted to be. A sober wife, mother, daughter.. etc.

Sometimes I wonder if I would have actually drank some of that rum, had I not told my husband. I honestly think I wanted to get caught. To be stopped. Who knows?

What I do know is that I am still alcohol free, as to this day. I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about it all the time, especially in times of high stress – but my plain is to remain sober. However, I can’t think about tomorrow, because I am too busy trying to keep myself sober for today.