As I get further and further from 2019, I want to make sure I reflect on it a bit and touch on some subjects I have yet to talk about.

I took some time off of writing over the holiday season for a few reasons, one being that all three kids were sick throughout most of my break, which, infected Chris and I too. That was fun.

Another reason, is I wanted to try and be present with my kids, as much as possible, to enjoy every second I got with them, now that I am a working mom. Even though staying at home again drove me a little crazy, it was nice to get some time to pretend to be a SAHM for a few weeks. Even if everyone was a little snotty.

Anyways, here are a few highlights (and low-lights?) of 2019.

Baby E: To start, I will say that I gave birth to the happiest and most wonderful kid on the planet: baby E. He just turned 10 months and I know, none of us would have made it through this year had he been anything but low maintenance. He has gone with the flow from day one and I am so appreciative of his happy and sweet spirit. He is a mamma’s boy and I couldn’t be happier about that.

Terrible Twos: The twins turned two this year. They say the first year is the hardest with twins, but I would say that this year was definitely harder for me, as a twin mom. The girls tested me on every level, but I understand why. Not only is it part of their two-year-old development, they also had a lot to adjust to this year. 1. Starting preschool 2. Welcoming a baby brother into their space 3. Mom going back to work/adjusting to a being watched by grandparents/sitter. They have been through a lot. We all have.

In 2019, they started talking and have made me laugh until I cried. They want to be like me… doing things that I do by wanting to help me with the dishes or laundry, getting their toenails painted, or shush their baby dolls like I do their little brother. It’s adorable. P is a sassy, natural leader, who does most everything I tell her to do. She doesn’t always like it but she eventually does it. And if she can calm down during that moment to realize I love the bajezus out of her, she will cuddle me and love me like I’ve never been loved before. A is also sassy, tiny, and quiet until she’s not. Her tiny tantrums are so cute but also make me crazy. She can be insanely silly but also very serious when she focuses in on something, like her daddy. She loves animals and finds her brother insanely annoying (which I find hilarious).

SAHM to working mom: As I’ve already said, I went back to work this year. I thought it would never happen. For years, since the girls were born, I was worried I would never get the chance to work again. That’s what it felt like, anyway. Not only did I land a job I like, they also are super flexible and support me on every level. It was difficult to leave the kids, but as soon as I walked in the door to my job, I knew I had made the right decision. I felt like a little part of me was back and I am so thankful that the people I surround myself with are supportive, including my husband, in-laws, mom, and friends (Brooke, who watches my kiddos three days a week).

Postpartum Depression: With the birth of my son came a lot of anxiety. I was going to have three kids under 17 months. I was depressed during my pregnancy because I felt like we had made a mistake. The moment I laid my eyes on baby E, I knew that wasn’t true. But it didn’t make the transition any easier. As I was adjusting to the new baby, I had two toddlers who couldn’t talk to me, running around the house. Three were in diapers. My husband went back to work and I resented the crap out of him. I resented all the singleton mothers who were able to still go out in public and not look like a side show (like us). I resented myself for having three children so close together (like I had a choice with the first two?). I resented the children for needing so much of me, to where I was unable to truly care for myself. I was miserable. I started to get very angry – which is how my depression expressed itself. I couldn’t lay in bed and cry, like I wanted to. I had to forge ahead and that made me furious.

Knowing something was wrong, I turned to therapists, psychiatrists, and medicine. While searching for resources, I couldn’t find anyone to truly help me and it was terrifying. It took a trip to the ER to truly get it together and find the help I needed to survive this period in my life. After a few months of intensive therapy and anti-anxiety medicine, I can say that I have defeated PPD. That’s not to say that my life isn’t difficult or that I don’t still have anxiety (because I very much do), but I was able to overcome the worst temporary mental illness season in my life, to date.

This blog: Coming out with this blog was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. I wasn’t a huge sharer on social media, but realized I needed an outlet to help me cope with my life. Along with going back to work, blogging helped me find purpose. People have seemed to connect with some of my posts and have reached out privately to let me know how proud of me they are or that they, too, have some of the same struggles. It has been one of the most empowering things I’ve done this year and I am so thankful I found the strength to finally share my life with others.

Here’s to a wonderful (and I am sure, crazy) 2020! E turns 1, the girls turn 3 and Chris and I will have been married 9 years. I cannot wait to see what is in store for our family!