I have very recently become a fan of Billie Eilish. Yes, 17 year old Billie Eilish. *eye roll*

Though I truly enjoy her music, my infatuation with her is due to her spirit. The world is hers for the taking. No boundaries or rules that regulate her – something I miss. It may be her because of her age or her persona – but I crave the freedom she has.

As I am feeling myself singing her hit “Ocean Eyes,” I am immediately snapped back into reality when one of my 2-year-old kids screams and takes a swipe at her little brother. I suddenly realize that I couldn’t be more unlike Billie Eilish if I tried.

I hate having to justify this, but I am going to say this once: I love my kids. I am glad I had them. I have no regrets; however…

I am in the thick of motherhood, suffocated by the demands each child requires on a day-to-day basis. I can’t tell you the last time I did something creative. Something that made me alive again. Something that fueled my spirit.

Sometimes I pretend. After I drop the kids off in the morning and I am driving alone, I pretend I am on a drive across country just because I can. Because I have the time. Because I, like Billie Eilish, can do whatever the hell I want.

At what point did we lose our spirit as parents? I see some embrace the parenthood role flawlessly. Like they have been training for this shit all of their lives, while I, on the other hand, crave spontaneity on a daily basis. I think I did a good job embracing the freedom I had, but I am not sure I cherished it like I cherish the few minutes of freedom I get now.

Often when communicating these feelings to others, I get “this is a season” or “they’re only little once.” And maybe, in 10 years, I’ll be writing how difficult life is with three pre-teens living in my home and how I wish they were little again. I get it. Every day is a season of time in our lives that we will never live again. But this reality doesn’t take away the fierce feelings I have for regaining my spirit. The fuel to my fire.

Is this a midlife crisis? Asking for a friend…