As I’ve said multiple times, mom guilt is my main trigger for relapse and I’d like to address that now.

With the amount of wear and tear on my body from a twin pregnancy and a big 3rd baby, I have a daily stretch mark reminder of what I went through to have children. I think back on the sacrifices I made to have children and the day in and day out work it took to raise them in the first 3 years. Since then, I obviously do not have full custody of the kids due to choosing to let them remain with their father for stability. However, I’ve got mom guilt that I cannot let go of.

If I was a good mother, I would have stayed with their father. If I was a good mom, I would have taken them with me when I left the marriage. If I was a good mom, I would have 50% custody of them.

Yet, the very reason I have mom guilt is the very reason I made the sacrifice to have them stay with their dad. For example, I didn’t want them to have to go back and forth from house to house. I wanted them to have a stable life and I realized I could not provide that for them. But that very reason – not being able to provide a stable life for them – is the very reason I have mom guilt. What is it about me that couldn’t do that?

My mental health struggles is the culprit. While I don’t think I ever got over the postpartum I had with E… I think my guilt stems from the very moment I had the twins.

So many moms are beaming with joy when they have their babies. While it is likely an emotional time for everyone, for some reason, I felt guilt the moment the twin exited my body. I remember crying like a baby when the nurses wheeled my twins off to the nursery so I could sleep for a few hours. At that moment, I remember thinking “I’ve already failed.”

I felt guilt when I was a stay at home mom. I gave them too much screen time. I fed them too much sugar. I did the wrong thing by using the cry it out method. These seemingly simple things about raising a child ate me alive. If I were a better mother, it would be easy for me. I would homeschool the kids, using the Montessori method. I would feed them nutritional food. I would limit screen time if not give them screen time at all. Yet none of that happened.

When I left my marriage, my mom guilt hit an all-time high. If I were a better mother, I wouldn’t have left. Yet, I wanted them to see me happy and the marriage didn’t make me happy. However, I still struggled. Sometimes I wonder if I left the marriage and my kids at the same time because of how suffocating everything felt. Every morning, waking up early. Making food that the kids don’t eat. Bathing them. Dressing them. Taking them to school. Picking them up from school… and repeat. And, oh, the tantrums. Don’t even get me started on that.

I guess I thought when I had kids that I was strong enough and my inner child was healed enough that I could do it with ease. I had this notion that motherhood would be fulfilling in ways I hadn’t experienced before. Yet no matter what I did (be a stay-at-home, a working mom, a part-time mom), no situation made me or makes me happy.

I know what you’re thinking.. I need therapy. I think my therapist is tired of hearing me talk about how guilty I feel about being a mom. I have processed it and processed it… and I keep thinking it is going to get better as they get older. But it hasn’t.

They say that we are all striving to have good relationships with our kids when they are adults. What if my kids don’t understand why I left? Why I wasn’t raising them full time? Dear God, I hope I can explain all of this to them and they will love me unconditionally. Maybe when they are adults and/or parents, they will finally understand. I know when I became a parent, I gave my parents grace for the first time. It literally took until I was in my 30’s to give them grace.

Because of my experience with my own family and all the resentment I had, I think I fear my kids will have this same resentment. And that thought alone tears me apart.

I also think ahead. These kids have my genetics. While their father is the most stable human I’ve ever met in my entire life but I have mental health struggles and addiction on my side. What if one of my kids deal with with one or both of these things? I already feel mom guilt about that, which could also explain why I felt the guilt I did when the twins exited my body. I thought, these poor babies have an alcoholic for a mother – someone that has always struggled with their mental health. Isn’t there a better mom out there for them? Why did God choose me to be their mother?

These questions, I might never answer. However, processing it on this blog may help us mom’s bond. Maybe these words could help someone else deal with the guilt they feel as mothers.