Where do we go from here? Now that I’ve gotten caught up on the past four years.. I think it’s important to reflect on what I’ve learned.

Shopping, men, alcohol, or food is not going to fix my problems. While it feels good temporarily, I ultimately need to focus on myself and healing. My 30’s have been eventful. Since turning 30, I’ve had a twin pregnancy, which included severe hyperemesis and bedrest. I’ve had newborn twins. I’ve had 17 month old twins with a newborn. I’ve gotten sober multiple times. I’ve gotten divorced – twice. I’ve had failed relationships. I’ve lost friends. I’ve had mental health struggles, with postpartum depression being one of them. My entire life has changed since I was 30 and I feel like I’ve aged 100 years.

Ultimately, my goal is contentment in my life, not pure happiness. I don’t think that exists. I think contentment is what I am shooting for. And I cannot look for that contentment in other things and people. I’ve got to really dig deep and figure out how to find contentment within myself, also with the assistance of my higher power.

I’ve always avoided the higher power topic because I just didn’t know how I felt about it. But in 12-step recovery, it is imperative to have a higher power. I try to rely fully on him, rather than relying on myself or anyone else to find true contentment in my life. It is the only way I’ve been able to live my life without scratching at the walls. Sobriety is tough, but staying drunk is tougher. With the assistance of a higher power, I am able to live a more fulfilling life, where I am not the one who is in control. I am in the passenger seat, maybe even the backseat when it comes to my own life. Obviously what I had been doing before (drinking, seeking approval through relationships, excessive shopping, and excessive eating), wasn’t working. So, a reliance on Him is imperative to my success in sobriety and as a human.

I’ve also learned that I don’t know anything. In my 20’s, I thought I knew it all. I honestly thought I did. I remember working at a local community college thinking that everyone there wasn’t at my level. I remember making decisions with ease, because it had to be right. Why wouldn’t it be?

As I’ve struggled throughout my 30’s, I’ve realized there are more sides to a story. I used to resent the shit out of my family because of decisions they had made when I was younger, but I realized they did the best they could at the time, just like I am now. I can only make decisions based on the information I have in front of me. I cannot predict the future. And sometimes, I fuck up royally. And I have. And instead of crucifying myself into a deep depression, I’ve got to give myself grace. I am doing the best I can. And sometimes that’s not good enough, but sometimes it is.