One of my most significant relapses occurred at the end of January 2024. I had just come off a second divorce and another failed dating situation.

Mom guilt reared its ugly head again because I went from having them Thursday-Saturday to only seeing them at their house on Saturdays. I didn’t even have them over to my apartment anymore because I was so emotionally unstable. I do a lot of hiding from the kids when I’m not doing well because I don’t want them to see me struggle. I certainly don’t drink around them and I never will.

I also was incredibly lonely. My relapses always come from extreme loneliness and mom guilt.

So what did I do (again)? I drank. I promised myself I wouldn’t drink and drive (and I didn’t) and that I wouldn’t go to bars. I wasn’t an alcoholic if I didn’t do these things? So I didn’t.

However, I was still very much an alcoholic.

I drank to excess at home, would Uber myself to 12-step recovery meetings and even attended church drunk. Cute, right?

After drinking for about a week and a half, I went to my therapist. I told her I wasn’t done drinking. She encouraged me, if not mandated, that I go back to a rehabilitation center to help me with my mania and drinking.

My mania showed itself through excessive dating, piercings, tattoos, and shopping, a precursor to my relapse.

So I go to rehab, and I get diagnosed with bipolar. I learn better coping strategies and I met some really cool people.. some of them I still talk to, to this day.

I get released, but I can’t be alone. As I said, one of my biggest relapse reasons is due to the severe loneliness that I struggle with.

So what do I do? I move to Indianapolis to live with my mom and her husband. I quit my job, and pack all of my stuff and move.

How do I leave my kids in another state? How am I going to find another job? How will I make new friends? What if living with my mom drives me crazy?

Instead of trying to answer these questions, I decide to live in the moment, one day at a time. I recently found a job that fits me better than any job has since working for a community college over 10 years ago. I am building a little nest egg so I can finally live in financial freedom. Being away from the kids is hard but I go see them every.single.weekend. I do FaceTime calls during the week. It’s the only way I am surviving being away from them.

Mom guilt often comes and goes through my day, but ultimately I am making it. I know the kids are thriving… and I couldn’t be happier about that!

Until next time…