I am here to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming. I write my posts weeks in advance and schedule them to post at a later date; however, something has happened. I am writing this the day I am posting it because I hit a wall of depression over the weekend. Bad.

I spent some time with a new guy last week and we really hit it off – to the point where I logged off the dating sites and was prepared to commit to him fully.

This dating relationship ended abruptly. And for some reason, I am absolutely devastated. To the point of withdrawing from everyone I know, and not being able to get out of bed.

This guy broke it off with me for a reason I cannot disclose, but it was a huge hit to my ego. HUGE. It was my fault, something I couldn’t help. But it happened. And I am not sure how to move on from here.

The thing is – it’s not about him. It could be him or any other guy and I bet I’d feel the same.

It is the rejection I am dealing with. The loneliness. The “I am going to die alone” feeling. I’ve attempted multiple dating relationships post-divorce and I am starting to believe that I am the problem.

I have consulted multiple friends, my sponsor, my therapist, and even my mom – but no one can make it better. I am realizing, though, that I am trying to fill a God-sized hole with men. Someone to make me feel a little less lonely. Why is it that I cannot commit to God the way that I was willing to commit to this random guy I was seeing?

How do I move on from here? I honestly don’t know, but processing my weekend via this blog helps. It is incredibly embarrassing but somehow, also incredibly therapeutic. I hope that my struggles with my sobriety, dating, loneliness, etc., can help others who might be dealing with similar issues.