We are finally to 2022. I met my second husband this year following a one-day relapse. One day, folks.

I was severely depressed coming off of 2021, living alone, and only having the kids every other weekend. I wanted more, but as I’ve stated before, this worked best for the kids.

Mom guilt is what kept me depressed. As I’ve stated before, I struggled with mom guilt when I was a full-time mom, thinking I wasn’t giving them the life they deserved; however, not having them 24/7 kept me at an all-time low. I missed the nighttime snuggles I got every night. I missed breakfast, dinner, and even taking them to daycare each day. I was missing out on life with them and I honestly didn’t know how to cope with that.

So what did I do? Distract myself. While I was deep in 12-step recovery, I was also searching for happiness outside of myself. I found someone in June 2022 and fell head-over-hills for him. This time, it was a man, folks.

I tried to grapple with the fact that I thought I left my husband of 10 years because I thought I was gay. Then here I am falling for another guy. It didn’t make sense.

However, I started to believe in a higher power and attending church on a weekly basis. I even went to church on Friday nights for a recovery-based program that I really liked. I wasn’t gay, it was just a phase, right?

I ended up marrying this man I thought I was in love with in 2023. We had only been dating eight months before we got married. I kept telling people “when you know, you know.” However, it wasn’t a perfect relationship at all. We actually broke up for a short time about a month before we got married. What was I thinking? Well, I think I was trying to fill a void of losing my first marriage and children – that’s what it was. I was going to prove to everyone that I had it together. We were going to church, I wasn’t gay (you’re welcome to all the people that judged me for dating a woman), and I was going to be a married, happy woman. I had the dream guy, 12-step recovery, and children that I started seeing Thursday-Saturdays. Life couldn’t get any better, right?

My second husband had a temper. While I’d like to protect his privacy in this blog, I will say it didn’t work out because of this temper.

The divorce process started after I checked myself into the ER and was put on a 72-hour hold. I had been so depressed and manic during my marriage that I couldn’t stand it anymore. It’s also important to mention that at the request of my second husband, I went down on my medication. I did this to appease him because he thought I was on too much medication. This, mixed with a failing marriage, made me absolutely nuts during this time – to the point where I decided to do a partial hospitalization program and intensive outpatient program for my mental health. I had almost two years sober at this point – so I was good there – but I needed to learn coping skills. So, I took about six weeks off of work and threw myself into the programs designed to help me cope with another failed marriage. What was wrong with me? Was I the problem?

I can’t really answer these questions, but I will say relationships take two to tango. When communication becomes an issue and the butterflies die, it becomes impossible to be successful in a relationship.

I often struggle saying I am “twice divorced.” It’s like saying, “not did I only fail once at a relationship, but I failed twice.” I had a lot of people that warned me not to get married to quickly that second time, but I didn’t listen. I just wanted to fill the void of all of the things I had lost.

Today, I’m still single and dating is ROUGH. I tell myself I’ll never get married again and I think I mean it.

I recently went on a date with a guy who was cool for all about 5 minutes and then he ghosted me. Like just fell off the face of the earth. What is wrong with people?

Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend!