Something I need to clear up is that I did, in fact, pour out the bottle of rum in early 2021.

2021 was still a difficult year, though. The life as I knew it was gone and I had mixed feelings. While I felt a freedom from being a 24/7 mom and wife, I realized how much I truly lost.

I’d like to back up to 2012 because my past is a major precursor to 2021. During this year, I started a job at a local community college. I met my best friend, and I realized that marriage wasn’t all what it was cracked up to be. I loved him dearly, but I also found out that marriage and full-time work is extremely monotonous. I wanted to travel, see the world. Be free. Yet I was stuck in this daily prison of 9-5 work and making dinner every night.

I told my husband before we got married that I wanted to live in NY with my Jimmy Choo shoes. I wanted to be something BIG. Yet, somehow I ended up in the Midwest, married, and working a 9-5. What the hell?

I did this for approximately four more years. At the same time, my best friend and I started to run. We ran half marathons all over the country. I began to feel a sense of freedom on the weekends that I did not feel on a daily M-F basis. I also felt free with her. We built such a strong bond that I started to have feelings for her – like real feelings. She was everything I was lacking in my mundane life and for nine years, I held a secret. I had feelings for someone outside my marriage. Not only did I feel extreme guilt for having feelings for someone outside my marriage, but I also felt the shame and guilt one might feel when there is a same sex at attraction. Was I gay? What would my parents say? What would my husband say? So I held this secret in my heart and was determined it would never come out. NEVER.

At the same time I was trying to keep my secret, I was also drinking more than ever. In 2016, I let the cat out of the bag to a couple of friends that I had feelings for her. That was it – I was never drinking again. Because if I were sober, I would never accidently tell someone.

At the same time I was holding my secret – I was also trying to get pregnant. After a few months of fertility treatments, we got pregnant with twins and rest was history.

I still held my secret but it started to eat me alive. I finally confessed to a therapist that I had feelings for someone else in 2020. Even with the “perfect life”, I still couldn’t get her out of my head.

So in 2021, I finally told my husband I had feelings for her. I cried a lot, but a wave of relief flooded my insides. I finally could breathe – for the first time in almost 10 years. He was so kind about it. So kind. I didn’t deserve his grace, but I certainly had it.

I decided to act upon my feelings and I left the marriage. She loved me too.

We dated but since we had moved to Cincinnati – it was long distance. Because of this and a variety of other things, it didn’t work out. Damnit.

A lot of the issues we had in the relationship had to do with the divorces we were going through. It was just too soon after our marriages dissipated. Our communication was off. Also, our families didn’t want us together. Our friends mildly supported us, but ultimately, it was too hard to be in a same sex relationship. Way too hard.

So in 2021, I got divorced and lost my best friend. It was too hard for me to be friends after the breakup. I was sick.

So what did I do? I turned to drinking. My old friend.

I ended up in a rehabilitation center in September 2021 for my alcohol abuse and mental health issues. I thought I had nothing to live for. I had left my family, lost my best friend, and I was truly alone. I didn’t have hardly any friends, I didn’t have 12-step recovery. I didn’t have a whole lot of support from my family – some but not a lot. I was also financially drained, as I would never make the kind of money I needed to support the lifestyle I was living.

After rehab, I slowly got back on my feet, but my life was just so sad and lonely. I struggled to stay sober, but I did – at least for the rest of 2021.

What did I learn in 2021? Be honest, but don’t act upon impulses. I would later find out I had bipolar disorder, which caused some mania during that time. I still struggle with mania. However, I think things happen for a reason. My ex-husband met the woman of his dreams in 2021 and he is happier than ever. Like – so happy. I am truly happy for him because she is able to provide a happiness for him that I just wasn’t capable of.

That’s all for now – thanks for reading!