From my last post in 2020, I think it’s important to mention the pandemic. I stopped writing right before it happened. After just getting acclimated to getting out of the house, I found myself back in the house – this time with a full-time job and three kids under three. How did we make it through that time? We hired sitter for a few days to come into our home to watch the kids while we worked. However, most the time, I was with the kids working on my laptop while they had endless screen time. It was a mess, but there was a part of me that cherished the moments I had with the kids while I could. I would definitely go back to that time in my life if I could – even though it was scary.

I struggled to stay sober during the pandemic. As I said in a previous post, I bought alcohol and was prepared drink it shortly before the pandemic started. What did I do with that bottle of rum? I sat it up in our garage on the top shelf. I couldn’t reach it but I could sit out in the garage and look at it when I was frustrated. And that is exactly what I did for about six months.

At the same time I avoided pouring out the bottle of rum, I joined a 12-step recovery zoom group. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I would join the group and eventually, I came to rely on that group. Members were from all over the country and somehow it felt like home.

Slowly, the world started to open again. We eventually sent the kids to a Montessori daycare. We were terrified that one or all of the kids would bring home covid – but somehow we escaped covid during that time, when it was all still so scary.

Eli turned two in March 2021 and that is the exact date when I knew my marriage was over. After 10 years of marriage, I left. Yes, I left him. But let me tell you something – it was not easy. During that time, I remember googling “how to leave a good man” because let me tell you – I was the problem in the relationship. I was the problem.

I moved on quickly. And somehow, I was fully supported by my former spouse. He is a wonderful man for that – and I’ll speak highly of him because of this (and more) – forever.

Life after divorce is freeing but painful as hell. Little did I know how great I had it in my former life. We had all that we needed. The house. The kids. The van. My in-laws as our neighbors. What in the actual hell was I thinking?

We worked it out where he would keep the kids in their home – and he would keep the house. We chose this option for a lot of reasons. Mostly – I wanted the kids to have the most stable life they could have and to be honest, I realized I couldn’t be the person to give that to them. So I walked away. *Ouch – that realization hurt*

As a mother, societal expectations say that I should have been the one to stay and raise my kids… but it just didn’t work out that way. And I have to be OK with that.

I would have loved joint custody, however, we didn’t want the kids to be thrown from one house to another… even if it meant I was in their lives a little less. I look back on this time with tremendous guilt – like I should have fought for them more, but I have done enough therapy to know that I did this because it was best for my kids. It wasn’t great for me – but it was best for them.

I’ll stop here – because there is a lot more to dissect about 2021. It was a long year, which included a divorce, losing my best friend, and a relapse after five years of sobriety.